Evolution · life · Personal growth

Ugly Ass Bitch

Does anyone else feel like time is speeding by?  I’ve heard it said time goes faster the older you get.  I just feel like I don’t have time to do anything but drown in the ever mounting list of things I need to do.  I need order.  I need control.

I think I’m emotionally handling it.  At least I’m keeping it together even though I want to throw my hands up and cry.  Instead I get frustrated and irritated.  Coupled with what’s left of my angry phase, I’ve been feeling really negative and cold.  Like an ugly ass bitch.  Yeah, some random guy actually leaned out of his car window to yell that at me.  What surprised me the most is that it didn’t sting as much as I thought it would have.  Or should have.  Sure, it’s clung to me since it happened but more because maybe I agree with this guy.  Of course my low self esteem knows I’m physically unattractive, but that’s nothing new.  That day I was a little more frumpy than usual.  I think maybe I’m turning into any ugly person on the inside and it’s starting to show.  I’m losing compassion for people and the constant negativity surrounding me from others has started to seep into my being.  For years I did my best to be positive and happy and loving to everyone.  It’s so difficult to be that lone reed.  Is it me or does it seem like people are all becoming toxic?  Or am I finally seeing people for who they really are.  The constant lack of love for others.  The constant negative comments.  The lack of productive communication.  The bullying of others.  The manipulation for personal gain.  It’s too much!  All I want is for everyone to get along.  Lift each other up, not put them down.  To spread love.  To work through stuff and move forward.  I like progress!  Why can’t everybody just get along!  I don’t understand why people can’t just get over themselves.  And that is where my trouble starts.

I can’t get over myself.  For 33 years I never put myself first and it landed me flat faced into the depths of my mental breakdown.  I was forced to deal with myself.  It had to be all about me in order for me to heal.  The thing is, placing value on myself changes how I deal with other people.  Instead of blindly doing for others, now I consider how it fits into my complicated web.  It makes me more frustrated and angry because now I care about getting my feelings hurt and I care about my happiness.  As an INFJ I’m use to not being understood.  Now it just bugs me.  Everything bugs me.  And I’m tired of being effected by it.
I don’t want to be an ugly ass bitch.  It’s not how I see my self and it certainly contradicts my purpose in life.  To love.  That’s what I am best at.  Not being in charge.  Not leading the way.  Just spreading love.  But how do I get back to my happy place?  How do I not let other people effect me because I know they will never change and there is nothing I can do about it.  I could give up on it all and run away again but that never really solves anything.  I know I desperately need to do something though.  Being a cold and negative person is a sad place to be.
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3 thoughts on “Ugly Ass Bitch

  1. Oh, you don't seem like a cold and negative person to me at all… the few interactions we had, you just seemed really, really nice.
    I am an INFJ too and I am all about spreading the love… so I know where some of your frustration comes from. It's hard to do what you feel with every fiber of your being and be disappointed and let down by other people.
    I've been there… and putting yourself first might be the answer to some of the questions, but it's definitely not easy and collides with our true beings. We just can't be taken advantage off, that much is clear.

    I am here to help (and learn myself!).

    Like

  2. Oh San, thank you. You are so sweet. I know deep down I am still a loving and nice person, I think I am just extra hard on myself when I feel I'm getting more negative than I am comfortable with. It must be an INFJ thing! Thank you for being a friend. I think we can never collect too many of those in our lives : ) .

    Like

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